Grief
by detective-smartypants
Summary: The fosters deal with a tragic loss.
1. Denial

**A/N: I've debated posting this for a while, I know that people are really weird about fics that include character death and, well, since this whole story is about character death then I figured that people might be **_**extra **_**weird about it. But I wrote it, and it's just been sitting in my documents folder for the longest time, so...**

**It's a five part story. **

**I don't own The Fosters. **

_**Denial **_

It happens on a Saturday afternoon.

Three months after both Callie and Judes adoptions are finalised and the family is finally a family, they get ripped apart.

It's Stef who has to deliver the news, despite the fact that she herself doesn't have the energy, nor the strength, to say the words. It's all a blur really, everything that happens next.

Some cry, some hug, one screams.

For her part, Stef is mostly just silent. She tries her best to comfort the family despite the growing lump in her throat, despite the pain that seems to have started throbbing in her heart. She pushes the grief inside as far away as it can go so that she can deal with her family first, and her own emotions later.

It takes almost four and a half hours to get everyone into bed and, once they are all asleep, she can't help but linger in silence and stare at the empty bed that probably still has his scent on the pillow.

She shakes her head and closes the door to head down the hallway and stay awake all night so that she can be ready for any more challenges that might come up.

Mariana is the first one to knock the door at 3:30am and, unlike her usual confident _I need something _knock, its silent and scared and begging for help. Stef wakes up from a sleep that she doesn't remember falling into and calls her daughter into the room quiet enough to avoid waking up her wife.

"mom?"

She pats the bed next to her, assuming that the girl had come in for comfort, but she stands at the doorway and hesitantly shakes her head.

"Mari?"

Mariana sighs and ducks her head down. "I promised I wouldn't wake you up, but..."

Tiredness is automatically replaced by maternal instinct, and Stef sits up, the motion waking up Lena in the process.

"Where is she?" She asks, for there is no reason to ask for names, there is no reason to wonder what is happening and why, she just knows.

"She went downstairs about twenty minutes ago." Mariana replies, her voice weak and apologetic.

"It's okay, love." Stef mumbles, ushering Mariana so that she is tucked under the sheets she'd just been tangled in. "I'll talk to her."

…

She finds her on the sofa in the living room with her knees up to her chest and her arms wrapped tightly around herself. Stef sighs, it's been months since she's seen her withdrawn like this, it's been months since she's found her awake in the middle of the night. She can't help but fear that all of the progress they've made has been demolished.

"Cal?"

When she doesn't respond to her voice, Stef begins to worry a little. Her eyes are open, but they are not moving, not blinking. Just staring at the wall, as though it might make him appear into thin air.

She takes a seat next to the dazed girl and reaches out to touch her shoulder, Callie does not flinch.

"Callie, baby. It's late, maybe we should go back to bed?"

This time, she turns around slowly and locks eyes with Stef. "Are you sure it was him?"

Stef is taken aback at the monotonous tone of her voice, like all emotion has dissipated from her vocal chords. "Hon…"

"I mean…It happens, right? Like, they could have made a mistake. There were a lot of people there and they…they haven't found everyone yet. Are you _sure _that it's him?"

Stef isn't sure how to respond at first. How does she explain to her daughter that she'd been the one who had to identify the body? She'd been the one who had to see him, pale and cold, laying on a metal slab. She knows that it is him, she knows it because she has seen it. She nods slowly, tears dripping down her cheeks when Callie just shakes her head.

"No, I don't believe you. He's strong, Stef…he's…he's a fighter…I bet he's okay, I bet there's been a mix up. He's not gone, he can't be."

By now, her voice is verging on panic, her breathing is picking up. Stef can see the fear and the terror in her eyes, it takes everything in her to not break down right now. She shakes her head again, and Callie shakes hers, too.

"He is _not _gone. He's _not._" She sounds sure of it, like he is standing right in front of her, like she can reach out and touch him and show them that he's okay, that he's safe, that everything can go back to okay again."

Stef grabs her daughter by the shoulders and shakes her head fiercely with big wet tears falling down her cheeks and slopping onto her chest. "He's gone, baby. I'm so sorry."

"NO" this time, it's a shout, a plea, a scream, a wail. "NO NO _NO._"

And Stef has never been prepared for this.


	2. Anger

**A/N: Thank you _so _much for the reviews. A few people were pondering who it could be and I debated whether or not to leave it so that you don't know until the last line, but then I wouldn't be able to add in certain things that I think are really reflective of how certain people might be feeling, so you will find out in this chapter (although it won't actually _say _his name, you will pick up on it.)**

* * *

_**Anger **_

She has never seen Lena shout. Not really. Not in front of the kids and, especially, not _at _the kids.

On the day before the funeral, Anger is hot in the air.

They're at the dinner table and the kids are either arguing, sighing, or just staring at their food. Mariana is annoyed at Jesus for something, and they're bickering back and forth. Brandon is pissed because his father hadn't bothered showing up for lunch, Callie is refusing to eat for the third day in a row.

Lena is staring at her pasta and pushing it around on the plate, taking the occasional bite for the sake of the baby and not caring much about herself. Stef clears her throat and everyone looks up, eyes hollow and dark like a room full of zombies. She can hardly blame them, she looks pretty terrible herself.

"So we need to leave at around 9am tomorrow morning. I don't want any huffing and puffing, just be at the front door waiting to go. That clear?"

Everyone nods, Callie pushes back to leave the table.

"Callie. You need to eat something, hon." She says, and Callie just shakes her head.

Lena sighs and takes another bite of the bland pasta which Stef hadn't bothered putting much effort into.

"Callie, I'm not taking no for an answer. I know you're sad, okay? We all are. But we have to take care of ourselves."

Callie sighs and pushes the plate away, brow creasing in distaste. "I'm not hungry."

"Cal…"

"_I said I'm not hungry_." The tone of her voice is testing and bitter like Stef has never heard, it brings her back to the Callie that she'd met over a year ago on the first night she'd been in their house.

"I don't care. You're eating and that's the end of it."

Callie just grunts and pushes back from the table, she carries her plate over to the bin and dumps the content inside the trashbag before turning to leave, but then comes Lena's booming voice and it terrifies everyone at the table.

"_Enough_!" Her hands slam onto the table and she stands up. "Stop with the attitude, Callie. Stop it right now."

But Callie just shakes her head and stands tall like she is ready for the coming argument.

"March over to that tray of leftovers and place some onto your plate right now, I want to see an empty plate, you hear me?"

Callie doesn't move, but Stef can see that the girl is beginning to worry about the consequences of ignoring Lena's angry request. "I'm. Not. Hungry." She spits through gritted teeth.

"I DO NOT CARE. EAT. NOW."

Callie marches over to the tray and dumps the contents onto a plate then throws it onto the table with a loud thud before slamming herself down onto the chair and forcing food into her mouth, eyes on Lena the entire time.

"Are you happy? Is this okay for you?" she asks, in between bites.

Lena shakes her head and her face turns an awful shade of purple. "Am I _happy?_ What about any of this do you think makes me damn _happy? _No, Callie. None of us are happy, _none _of us. You don't get to shut us out anymore, it's not an option. I know you're mad that he's gone, but that doesn't mean you get to take it out on us. Just eat your dinner and go to bed."

Callie laughs bitterly and shakes her head. "You think that's its just as hard for everyone here as it is for me? You didn't know him like I did. You didn't watch him grow up, you didn't change his diapers when our parents neglected to do it. You didn't take care of him in abusive foster homes or...you just...you don't _understand." _

"Enough." Stef spits and she shakes her head at the young girl. "Stop right now. We are..._were_ his parents, Callie. Whether its only been a year or not doesn't matter...we were his _mothers_ and it hurts us, too."

Callie sighs and turns her attention towards the food, not muttering another word. She manages half the plate before she drops the fork as though it has burnt her. The room has fallen into uncomfortable silence, Lena is back in her chair taking calming breaths and Stef has found herself observing silently as everyone falls back into their catatonic states.

No one notices the change in Callie's demeanour until they hear the topple of the chair, Stef looks up just in time to see her daughter fleeing to the bathroom.

…

After throwing up the monstrous amount of pasta in her stomach, Callie weakly returns to the dinner table a horrible green colour and Lena feels automatically guilty. She stands up to apologise to her daughter, but the girl speaks first.

"You made too much food."

Stef looks up from her plate, confused at the matter-of-fact statement. "yeah, I guess I did."

"You…you made too much food because…because you're used to cooking for more people."

Everyone seems to be confused, looking around the room for an answer, but the look on Lena's face shows that she understands. "oh, Callie."

"And you made me eat the leftovers…" Callie takes a shuddering breath and suppresses the urge to throw up again. "You made me eat the food that would have been his."

Lena reaches out to comfort, and Stef is on her feet too, sensing the impending disaster they have on their hands. "Callie, come on, let's get you to a seat. You don't look good."

But Callie shakes her head and it's her time to get angry, although, surprisingly, not at them.

"Why do bad things always have to happen to me? I thought that this..being _here _was supposed to be my chance at having a decent life but bad things just keep happening. I dont...I just don't understand why it has to be _me._"

Neither of them have an answer, it's a question they'd been asking themselves. Why does she have so much bad luck?

"Cal-"

"It's just...it's _not fair!_" She yells, and she paces the floor, her eyes wild and her face panicked. "I did everything to keep him safe. _Everything. _It shouldn't be him, it should not be him. It should..."

She takes a shuddering breath and falls to her knees.

"It should be _me._"

* * *

**A/N: Just another little note...I just want you to know that this whole story wont be centered solely around Callie's emotions. The next chapter will pretty much just be Stef & Lena, and the chapter after that will be everyone else, too. I just want her to be mentioned a little more since, understandably, she might find it a little harder to cope.**

**I was also a little worried that people might not think that the chapters are sort of rounded up enough, like I'm leaving them all on a bad note - but that's the aim, since it'll be finishing off with acceptance (Incase you haven't guess, i'm basing this on the stages of grief) **


	3. Bargaining

**A/N: This one's quite short, I'm not really all that good with religion. **

_**Bargaining **_

Stef and Lena manage to convince Callie to fall asleep in their bed so they can keep an eye on her.

For a while, they watch the girl peacefully sleep in silence, only occasionally looking away to steal glances at each other. But once Lena gets up to put pyjamas on, stef finds herself bowing down at the foot of her bed and clasping her hands at her chin.

The last time she prayed was when she was sixteen years old.

_Please god, _shed say _let me be like the other girls. _

She'd given up on it, of course, when no one ever answered. The church had only ever shown her malice because of her 'lifestyle' and she could never truly forgive god for causing such a drift between she and her father.

It almost seems trivial now, the complaining about her sexuality when there were more important matters to discuss.

She wishes that she could take back all of the anger and pain shed directed towards religion. Was her past with God to blame for her son being taken?

She hasn't talked to got in a long time, but she hopes he will answer her tonight.

"We've never had a good relationship, you and I. Truth be told, I've spent my whole life blaming my fathers problems with me on you. It's not that I don't _believe_ because trust me, I do want to. It's just that I'm scared you'll never forgive me for the way I am. For the family I have.

I'm scared that you've already put me into the _bad _category." She takes a deep breath and bows her head down farther.

"My whole life, I've been pushing the thought of you away because of what people taught me to think about you, because of what my father taught me to think. I don't blame him, and I don't blame _you_. I think aspects of you have been twisted along the way.

God, if you're there, please just hear me out. I can't trade who I am for his life, because there is no way to be anything different. But if you gave me him back, even if it was just in a _dream_, even if I could just close my eyes and hear his voice...I promise i will never turn my back on you again." She takes a shuddering, teary, breath and for the first time, doesn't try to push it down when the tears come out from hiding.

"I know that it might seem like an empty promise. Why should you trust me? All I've done is hate you...or the you that people have created...my whole life. But, the thing is god, _he _didn't hate _anyone_. He didn't hate the people who hurt him, he didn't hate his father for taking away his mother, he has never hated anyone, and yet he's gone and that just doesn't seem right. So, if you let me hear his voice, if you..._please_...let me see his face...I beg of you...I will never walk away from you again. I will pray, I will talk to you, I will go to church every sunday, every _day_. Just please..."

Lena pokes her head out of the bathroom to see Stef curled in on herself, tears rolling down her cheeks, begging someone who isn't there and she is immediately at her wife's side with her hand on her back.

"Baby, Stef, take a deep breath."

Stef looks up from the ground and finds herself huddled in Lena's arms with big silent sobs wracking her body and she curses herself for holding it in this long, it only seems to have made the pain that much more unbearable.

"I want him back, Lena. I want him back...we didn't get enough time, we didn't see enough..."

"I know, Stef. I know." Lena hums and she runs her hand up and down Stef's back.

"I've been doing the same thing, babe. Every damn night I kneel down and I beg to see my son. If I could have just _one _more night with him, I feel like maybe it'll give me peace. Except, it probably wont. I don't just want _one _night. I want more than that, I want a _hundred _nights, _a thousand nights. _I would give up _anything_, baby, and I know you would, too. But God doesn't work that way and we both know that. He can't give us a life back, even if that life is so important to our family, even if we need it more than we need _anything _in the entire world, because there are a million other families just like us."

The sobbing seems to die down a little and Stef nods into Lena's chest. "I just wish we could do something."

Both of them look at the sleeping girl on the bed and their hearts begin to hurt because if it's this painful for them...how painful must it be for Callie? The girl who raised him when their parents couldn't. The girl who did everything, her whole life, to make sure he wasn't too hungry or too cold, or in any pain.

"I wish we could bring him back, I wish he could be here because he's the only one who knows how to make her feel better."

Lena sighs. "I think it's our turn to learn now."


	4. Depression

**A/N: I'm not **_**entirely **_**sure about this chapter, but I really wanted to update, I hope that it's okay. For those who are wondering how he died, you'll find out in the next (and last) chapter. I **_**really **_**didn't want to make this a Callie centric chapter, but it just sort of happened. **

She wants to go back.

She decides it when she begins to feel a heavy weight on her chest and a dark cloud in her mind.

She wants to go back to when she was denying it, or when she was screaming about it, to when she was begging to have him back.

She wants to go back because now it's just dark, and hard, and numb.

She thought that maybe after the breakdown in the kitchen, she'd finally start accepting it. But then she'd dreamt about him and she'd woke up with her mouth wrapped around his name and now it just keeps happening and she even finds herself _screaming _for him in her sleep.

Everyone is sad, and that makes the feeling even worse. She wants to be strong, even though she knows that she doesn't have to be, she wants to let them know that she is okay, even though she _isn't. _

She can't stop thinking about the future.

The past was easy. For four thousand three hundred and eighty days, she had a brother and she protected her brother and she was a big sister. And now suddenly she isn't.

How can she possibly last a further four thousand three hundred and eighty days without him?

_._

"_Cal, are you awake?" _

"_Yeah, bud. What's up?" _

"_Do you think that we'll ever get separated?" _

"_Nah, bud. I think you're stuck with me till we're old." _

"_Good." _

_. _

Stef and Lena are at a loss.

While they are finding it difficult to deal with their own emotions, they are trying to figure out a way to help Callie deal with hers.

She stops joining in on conversations with the family the day after the funeral. In fact, the moment they arrived home from the church, she'd immediately retreated to her room and she hasn't been out much since.

It's been four days since either of them have heard her voice.

All she does is sleep.

Seven days after the funeral, Callie decides enough is enough. She decides that she doesn't like the way grief feels when its pushing down on her chest. She decides that she hates feeling numb every minute of the day. She decides that she hates everything.

She's depressed, _more _than depressed, there's no denying it. She can't eat, she either can't sleep or all she does it sleep, she doesn't enjoy _anything _anymore.

Everywhere she looks, she's reminded of him. He used to sleep in that bed, he used to brush his teeth by that sink, he used to do his homework at the foot of her bed. If she closes her eyes tight enough, she can imagine him still sitting there with his book on his lap arguing the answer of a problem with her. If she closes her eyes tight enough, she can pretend like he isn't gone.

She decides that she should run. She hears Rita's voice in her head as she throws her clothes into her blue duffle bag.

"_I know that, when It gets hard, you wanna run. But I'm tellin' you, you gotta fight that. Sometimes you gotta stick around long enough for your luck to find you." _

She decides that this is _definitely _the last straw. She stayed when the adoption fell through because she still had a slither of hope inside of her that she'd eventually get adopted. And, sure, now she has been and that was great for a while. She'd finally felt like she was part of something. But now it isn't about the family, she isn't leaving because she's scared they wont want her. It has nothing to do with them. She's leaving because she can't bare to see his perfectly made bed every day, she doesn't like how Lena keeps accidentally setting a place for him at the dinner table. She hates how his toothbrush is still sitting at the edge of the sink.

She creaks down the stairs and scans the house for one last time. She sees his ghost in every corner, hears his voice in every room.

She sighs, picks up her bag and places her hand on the handle of the front door but just as she is about to push it down, a noise makes her jump. She whips around and finds Mariana standing at the bottom of the stairs, her mouth hanging open.

"W-what are you doing?"

Callie groans and drops her bag on the floor, hoping that the other girl hadn't noticed it in her hands. "Nothing, I..."

"You were running away." The girl says, matter-of-factly, and Callie can't aviod the hurt in her voice.

Callie shakes her head, even though she knows that there is no avoiding the truth now. She knows that Mariana has figured her out, and she also knows that the brunette will _not _keep this from their parents.

And then it hits her like a tonne of bricks. They're her _parents. _She often forgets that she's no longer Callie Jacob, that she's AdamsFoster now, that she's legally theirs. It makes her feel sort of guilty, but she still wants to leave.

"I Just..." She finds herself looking at the ground.

"You just _what?_" Mariana asks, crossing her arms. "What makes you think running away is going to solve anything?"

"I..." Callie sighs and looks down at the ground, defeated. "I don't know."

"We're all sad, Callie. We all lost him, but running away isn't an option. You should _know _that."

Callie sighs and nods her head, she moves towards the stairs and sits down on the bottom step. "I just don't know how to deal with this."

"I don't think any of us do," Mariana says. "but at least we all have each other. That's something."

Callie doesn't want to say that it isn't something for _her_. She doesn't want to admit that losing Jude has made her feel as isolated as she felt before she ever came to the fosters. She doesn't want to say that, while she loves this family, while they _are _her family, it just doesn't work without Jude. He was her constant, he was the only person who's _always _stuck around.

This is different from losing her mom, it's not that she loved Jude more than she loved her mom, but more like she loved him in a different way. He was her brother, but for the better part of their life, she had to act like his _mother_. It feels different because she's always taken care of him, she's always looked out for him, and this time she couldn't protect him. This time there's nothing that she can do. This time he's gone, and he's not coming back and that just _hurts_.

"I can't..." she breathes.

Mariana sits down next to her sister and places a hand on her shoulder, trying to offer her some semblance of comfort even though she isn't entirely sure that there is anything she can do to make her feel better. "Can't what?"

Callie's body seems to fall forward a little, her limbs limp and she lets go of whatever it is that's holding her together. "I can't _do this_."


	5. Acceptance

**A/N: I just want to say, since I couldn't leave an authors note on the end of Hopeless wanderer, that if any of you are reading this that have read HW in it's entirety: Thank you. Thank you so much for your kind words, and thank you for continuing to love the story that I spent so long pouring my heart into. **

**Thank you.**

* * *

He finds her in the living room.

She's sitting on the floor in front of the TV with her legs crossed, the glow from screen illuminating her sad face.

He stands for a moment, considering leaving her alone, but not quite ready to take his eyes away. She points the remote towards the TV and presses play and he hears the laughter of children fill the room.

_"Is it recording?" _It's Jude's voice, although considerably younger.

_"Yeah! Go!" _

_He clears his throat. "Hmm. Okay, welcome to the show! I'm the great...no, the _magnificent _Jude Jacob!" _

_"What are you gonna do for us great, no, magnificent Jude Jacob?" _

She points the remote towards the TV and the voices stop. For a moment, he watches as she stairs at the screen, her face completely void of emotions and then she reaches out slowly and traces her hand along the faces and closes her eyes.

He takes is as his queue to intervene.

Callie is still sitting with her eyes shut and her fingers on the screen when he clears his throat and she blinks, once, twice, and looks in his direction. "Brandon?"

"Mind if I sit?"

She nods slowly and he kneels down on the floor next to her and looks towards the TV. Jude is on the screen, wearing a top hat and a cloak and holding a magic wand in his hand. He's about six, and both of his front teeth are completely missing from his crooked smile.

Callie hits the play button.

"_I'm going to blow your mind!" _

_He pulls the cape over his face and Callies bright young laugh radiates from behind the camera. "Well..." _

"_Every good magician needs an assistant." He shouts. "Callie Jacob, Assist me!" _

_The camera shuffles and Jude is upside down for a moment before it straightens and focuses again, and Callie appears from the side of the screen and stands next to her brother. _

_He holds out his hand to reveal one little daisy in the middle of his palm, before he closes his fingers around it. He takes the wand and gives it to Callie. _

"_Now tap my hand, Assistant!" _

_Callie laughs, a big belly laugh that Brandon has never heard before. She taps it once, twice, again and he throws the cape over his hand, shakes it around a little and drops it to his side. _

"_Now, Callie, my wonderful, smelly, assistant, open up my hand." _

_When she does, there is nothing inside. "woooooooow, however did you do-" _

She pauses it again, and when Brandon looks in her direction there is a tear sliding down her cheek. "We only have two." She mumbles.

"Two what?"

She sighs. "Home videos. My mom loved taking videos, she had a pretty good camera and Jude and I used to make all these goofy videos. I only managed to save two."

Brandon pries the remote from her hand slowly and points it to the TV. "You used to be so cute," He says, attempting to lighten the mood. "What happened?"

He fast forwards it.

_The lens shifts into focus on a woman in her mid-thirties, polishing a coffee table and singing _Come on Eileen_ at the top of her lungs. _

_Out of the corner of the screen, a little Jude comes speeding into the room with a helmet on and leaps onto the couch. "mamma, mamma, can we go to the zoo?" _

_Their mom laughs and shakes her head. "It's a sunday night, Jude, the Zoo isn't open." _

_Another figure appears from the other side of the room, it's little Callie in a pair of bright green pyjamas and her hair in two french plaits. "_pleeeeease_ mamma?" _

It's brandon who finds himself chocking on a sob. He places a fist over his mouth and clamps his eyes shut tight.

He doesn't know how Callie is coping. It's all he's been thinking about the past couple of weeks. He feels guilty when Callie runs her hand up and down his arm, trying to support him through his tears.

He'd assumed that his grief was already beginning to get lighter. He'd assumed that he'd worked his way through all of the stages. It's just now that he realises he hasn't cried yet. He's seen Mariana cry, and his moms. Callie hasn't stopped crying since she started a week ago, and Jesus cried the night that it happened.

He thinks that it's something he definitely got from his mom. Something that he'd seen in her so many times when bad things happen. She pushes it down and ignores it and then it comes back with a vengence a while later and he's always wanted to tell her that it's okay to feel. It's okay to cry.

It's okay to grieve.

After crying for a while, he takes a few deep breath and looks up at the screen. They're all dancing now, Callie is wearing a feather boa and Jude is wearing a tophat and they're all dancing on the couch.

"_Momma's taking us to the zoo next week!" _

_Callie jumps up onto the arm of the sofa and does a little jiggle with a huge smile on her face. "We're gonna see tigers and lions and zebras and..." _

"_ELEPHANTS?" Jude shouts, his excitement growing bigger. _

"_I dunno," Callie yells. "Maybe. Oh, and monkeys." _

_Their mom laughs and sits down on the sofa, looking exhausted. "Okay my little monkeys," She laughs. "Time for bed." _

Callie stops the video and clicks the TV off so that the room is suddenly quiet and dark. She sighs and turns to Brandon.

"Do you think I'll ever stop missing him?"

He shakes his head. "Definitely not. But it will get easier."

* * *

They decide to go to the cemetery the next day.

Well, Callie asks them if she can go and everyone decides to come along, which she is quietly grateful for. She suspects that she's not the only one who needs this trip.

They arrive at 1pm, and everyone takes a turn to talk to him.

Lena cries a lot, apparently she's been blaming herself. She sits on her knees and she cries out her words and Callie's heart breaks.

"I'm so sorry, my baby. I'm sorry that you went on that trip alone, I'm sorry you were on that bus without me. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when It happened. I'm _so _sorry."

And Stef kneels down by her side and takes her hand. "It wasn't your fault, you know. No one could have stopped this from happening."

"But, I-"

"No, no buts. No what if's or _Why_'s. We've done that already, and it only made us feel worse. Dwelling on it, blaming ourselves...that's not going to get him back."

"It wasn't my fault?" Lena asks, taking stefs hand.

"It wasn't your fault."

Jesus lays down a video game and stands there for a moment, trying to find his voice. He simply smiles and touches the top of the grave.

"Miss you, bro. You were one in a million."

Mariana puts a tub of blue nail polish next to the video game and kneels down for a moment and, with a breaking voice, speaks to him.

"This is my favourite shade of blue and I want you to have it. I think that it's essential you keep the blue topped up while you're up there, Judicorn. I miss you a lot, I miss painting your nails and helping you with homework and I just...I miss you. See you some day."

With tears streaming down her face, she takes a step back, and Brandon simply lays down a sheet of paper with lyrics he'd written for him for the funeral on it.

"Miss you."

And then it's Callie's turn, and she's not ready, but she moves towards the head stone anyway. She sits down and runs her fingers along the cold marble.

Is this supposed to be acceptance? Is this the moment when she begins to accept that he's gone? Now that her chest isn't so tight and her head isn't so heavy, is she ready to move onto the next stage?

Is she ready to say goodbye?

Is she strong enough without him?

"Four thousand, three hundred and eighty days. That's how long I knew you." She feels odd speaking to him, but not really speaking to him. And she's been putting it off for so long. She turned down the chance to do the Eulogy because she knew that it would be a way of admitting that he was gone. At the time, she couldn't even begin to face that truth.

She's been putting this off.

_Is she strong enough without him? _

"And that seems like a really big number, you know? I mean...if I had four thousand, three hundred and eighty dollars, I could go somewhere really cool and still have heaps left over." She smiles and closes her eyes. "But it just doesn't feel like enough, baby. The more I think about it...would _any _amount of days be _enough_? Would it be any easier if the number was doubled? Would I feel any less lost?"

She feels a hand on her shoulder and a hand on her arm, and she's glad that she has moms who can help her deal with this.

"I didn't want to say goodbye, Jude. I didn't. I still sort of don't. Saying goodbye means acknowledging that you're gone. And doing that means letting go and...how do you let go of something you love so much? Something that is such a huge part of you?"

She takes a deep breath and turns around to see that everyone is sitting next to her, there's a hand in her hand, a hand on both shoulders, a hand running through her hair. She's glad that they're here, she's glad that they're keeping her feet on the ground.

_Is she strong enough without him?_

"You made me such a strong person, Jude. Really, I mean it. You taught me so many things in our time together and you were so...so _happy_. Even when things were hard, you always found something to be happy about and I loved that. I really really loved that because it sort of made me happy in return. I just...thank you. Thank you for keeping me okay, for pushing me along without knowing you were pushing me along. Thanks for giving me a reason to come back home when things were difficult, and thanks for understanding why it took me so long to do so. Thank you, Jude. For being a wonderful person and for making me feel like a wonderful person."

She shakes her head and doesn't stop the tears from trailing down her cheeks.

_Is she strong enough without him? _

"I'll love you forever, baby. You'll always be with me, and I'll always remember the light that you brought into my life. I'll always remember those four thousand, three hundred and eighty days."

Callie places a picture on top of the headstone of them and their mother when they were little kids. She traces her hand along his name and closes her eyes, just so she can picture his face in front of her.

She wasn't ready to say goodbye. She wasn't ready to accept her loss.

_Is she strong enough without him? _

She feels her family by her side and she smiles.

She never wanted to accept this, she never wanted to goodbye.

But, at least her family is here to help her get through it. At least her family is here to remind her that she's strong enough without him.

That he's always going to be here without being here.

That she might have lost him,

but he'll never actually be gone.


End file.
